Do Your Parents Beat You?

ViktorFan · Post by **ViktorFan** » Tue Sep 26, 2006 4:54 am

son_michael wrote: You cant give a child a little slap on the wrist because then the child dosen't fear you and they will just keep doing whatever they want. Without fear there can be no respect....

I have to contradict. That's really not true. My daughter has respect but fortunately she doesn't have fear. And something very important: I respect her too (since she was a baby). And even though she has no fear she knows and accept my rules and boundaries. Sometimes we discuss about them and sometimes I relax (I hope it's the right word) the rules and boundaries, but only for a certain time. I make an exception, she knows that it's an exception and it's clear that the rules work again next time. For me it would be a bad experience if I noticed she's afraid of me.

son_michael wrote:I do agree with you when you say not every child is the same but the method to raise the child is the same

1. love the child and raise it with love
2. create rules and boundaries
3.if rules are violated then there will be a warning
4. if warning is ignored then they will be punished

I agree with your 4 points but let me repeat what I said in a post before: punishment and learning discipline don't need hits, beats, belts or other violence. There are and there must be other ways. Something about me: I'm the fourth of five children with very different temper and my parents never punished one of us with violence. Now we are adults who have discipline and respect for their parents. In puberty I was the rebellious one, even then my parents never needed any violence to discipline me and my siblings and we never used drugs or smoked and this all without violence. Splendid fellows?

The rules and boundaries only work with consequence. If you say one time "No" and the child doesn't accept this you maybe have to say five times "No", but a "No" must be a "No" and not a "Yes" at the third time. Consequence in rules and boundaries is the key for an upbringing without violence. This is my experience and my opinion.

And I would like to know dragonmaster's opinion too.

son_michael · Post by **son_michael** » Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:27 am

im not the type who would actually beat up anything, the important thing is your child believing that your unbeatable and scary.

Viktor fan, your'e thinking that if your daughter fears you in 1 thing then she will fear you in everything...your thinking that it would damage your bond with her and respectively I say you are wrong. Babies know when there loved, if you raise a baby to be happy and love you then by the time they hit the age when they start to be bad..they will have your love as a foundation which will ensure that they do not fear you by getting hit when they do bad things.

Maybe your just making"fear" a bit bigger in your head then I am...im talking about "uh oh..my dads gonna kill me when he finds out" its that simple logic that will keep the child away from bad things and eventually that logic becomes this"dad would be really dissapointed in me if I did that"

Let me make it clear that in no way do I advise physical beatings...just make your kids think they will get beat{and in reality getting "beat" would just be some spankings} and they will try to stay out of trouble.

Anyway please dont take anything ive said to be offensive viktor fan. Im sure you are a great mom

and youv'e done all the right things with your daughter, I think you and I share very simmilar beliefs but you just made "fear" alot more menacing then it actually is. I mean were afraid of touching fire because we dont want to get burned...so fear can be a good thing

so to sum things up.... dont beat your children, just make them think that dad will be hurt and that he will hurt them back BUT this will only work if you raise your children with love BECAUSE then they wont fear you when there not doing bad things and they will still love and adore you until they know they did or might do something wrong

Pollensalta · Post by **Pollensalta** » Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:57 am

son_michael wrote:
just make your kids think they will get beat{and in reality getting "beat" would just be some spankings} and they will try to stay out of trouble.

Anyway please dont take anything ive said to be offensive viktor fan. Im sure you are a great dad

First off, I thought ViktorFan was a mom

Secondly, I doubt she needs parenting advice from someone so young. All kids are different and if someone's found a system that works with their kids, then so be it. I don't think that spanking is a bad thing necessarily, it just works differently with different kids. It never did a damn thing when I was a child. It just made me upset and angry, and my parents stopped using that tactic. They would never want me to be afraid of them. Respect them and mind them, yes. Fear them? No, that's a completely different thing.

ViktorFan · Post by **ViktorFan** » Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:58 am

son_michael wrote: Maybe your just making"fear" a bit bigger in your head then I am...im talking about "uh oh..my dads gonna kill me when he finds out" its that simple logic that will keep the child away from bad things and eventually that logic becomes this"dad would be really dissapointed in me if I did that"

I agree with you, maybe for me "fear" is a bit bigger in my head and I think everybody thinks different about fear and also about "violence" (like Raging Barows Brat said in his post).

son_michael wrote:Anyway please dont take anything ive said to be offensive viktor fan. Im sure you are a great dad and youv'e done all the right things with your daughter, I think you and I share very simmilar beliefs but you just made "fear" alot more menacing then it actually is. I mean were afraid of touching fire because we dont want to get burned...so fear can be a good thing

No I don't think you're offensive, we have different opinions that's all. Btw: I'm a "great mom"

, I'm a woman.

son_michael · Post by **son_michael** » Tue Sep 26, 2006 12:08 pm

ok LOL I completley forgot viktorfan was a mom{probably because I dont have much time to be on suikosource anymore}...so my apologies

anyway im not trying to tell anyone how to raise there kids, im just telling them how I will raise my kids and im trying to defend my point of view

Rody · Post by **Rody** » Tue Sep 26, 2006 1:51 pm

Alot of kids get by with just a small swat on the wrist. That's all that's needed for my best friend's son (my godson). I have never seen either my sister nor my best friend ever spank their child. My best friend's son is very good, he still whines or cries, but he doesn't get into many things, and actually, all you have to do is keep his learning mind occupied. He loves it when I read to him! As for my sister's son... well, he's a monster, but my sister doesn't use ANY discipline on him, and I can already see this UH-OH sign over her head. She needs to give the kid a little discipline...

Viktorfan, you sound like a great mother. You remind me of my best friend. She's been around children all her life, so she already knows that treating children with respect is the absolute best way to go, and she treats he son with respect, even though he is only one and a half. She is firm with him when she needs to be, but she allows him to learn and explore. At the same time, she has made little rules for him--don't open that cupboard--for example, and he follows those rules. He's a great kid.

I have never hit a kid in daycare--it's illegal where I live. We have time-out and a color-coded card system they follow. They start on green, and if the card is green when they go home, they get a treat. If the card is on black when the parents come, they get nothing--simple as that. Also, if the parents see their kid on black, it is up to them if they want to spank them. The only kid who ever gets black regularly is Bryce. He's a brat.

I guess its all a matter of opinion, but this is definitely a hot topic issue everywhere. (Kinda like the pro-life thing or homosexuality or religion). My beliefs stem from my own childhood, I guess. I know my father was on the extreme end when it comes to violence, but I am still absolutely convinced there is just no reason to strike a child. My fear kinda dissipated when I was an older teenager, but the hatred that burned in its place is still there. But my father never showed any sign of affection, he even told us he never wanted kids. (And he has never retracted that statement) I don't know what its like to have a nice dad anyway.

Pollensalta · Post by **Pollensalta** » Tue Sep 26, 2006 5:33 pm

Rody wrote:and actually, all you have to do is keep his learning mind occupied. He loves it when I read to him! As for my sister's son... well, he's a monster, but my sister doesn't use ANY discipline on him, and I can already see this UH-OH sign over her head. She needs to give the kid a little discipline...

Indeed, but not many parents encourage their children learning anymore, and I really think that's why kids are so poorly behaved nowadays. It's so commonplace to just pick your kids up from daycare and plop them in front of a TV. Did you know that the average 2 to 4 year old watches FIVE HOURS of television a day? That's entirely too much. I was read to every day, I had art supplies, I had all sorts of things that stimulated my brain, and now reading and writing and drawing and all sorts of things like that are some of my favourite things to do (along with hanging out and having good times with my friends and RPGs) Anyways, my point is that kids who are raised more lovingly and taught things are more likely to not respond to that kind of punishment because it will only frighten and confuse them.

Well, that's kinda what I was saying, anyways. It probably looks like I just went off on an OT rant or something ^_^()

dragonmasterx · Post by **dragonmasterx** » Tue Sep 26, 2006 10:32 pm

Oppenheimer wrote:Now, I'm curious DMX, why did you ask such a thing and what are your opinions?

A fourth grader fresh from Taiwan I'm tutoring in English was telling me that his father used to beat him. When I asked him if that still happens, he said No, I'm good now compared to back then. He doesn't need to beat me anymore.

And whenever my older brother acts out, my mom complains to my dad "Damn it, we should've beat him more when he was younger. It's all your fault, always saying he'll be much better after growing up."

That's why I asked, not sure what to think. But this thread shows that everyone has a different opinion on the matter.

SOe · Post by **SOe** » Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:12 pm

A fourth grader fresh from Taiwan I'm tutoring in English was telling me that his father used to beat him. When I asked him if that still happens, he said No, I'm good now compared to back then. He doesn't need to beat me anymore.

I know physical punishment can discipline a child, but if it's not followed by proper explanation this will lead to a condition where the child become afraid or hate his/her parents.
I say it this way because this situation occur alot in chinese families in my hometown.

Sniper_Zegai · Post by **Sniper_Zegai** » Sat Jan 20, 2007 6:07 am

This is clearly a touchy subject, its more than likely some of you have had bad experiences and some of you turned out just fine, and the rest probably never expeirenced it first hand. I believe physical PUNISHMENT can be effective but in the hands of the wrong parent can be terrible. Personally I was given a qiuck slap when I did something wrong but it was in moderation, my mum did'nt do it for fun she only did when I was well aware what I was doing. I beleive children need to have boundaries set for them and physical punishment should be used when a child pushes those boundaries.

CLEARLY A TOUCHY SUBJECT

Iku · Post by **Iku** » Sat Jan 20, 2007 9:40 am

i was slapped when i was younger but it made me resent my step dad and now we cant even be in the same room as we argue! i wasnt really naughty i was normally behaved! but i think slapping made me think he was a brute and by no means my superior nor did he have my respect! so i think slapping only leads to hate as you get older (but thats just my experience of it)

Sniper_Zegai · Post by **Sniper_Zegai** » Sat Jan 20, 2007 9:47 am

Hey there Iku, I've had a qiute a few step dads, my mum works alot so its hard for her to keep relationships going. But I'll tell you one thing. ALL of them except for one were unussually violent towards me and my brothers. Whenever we would get in trouble we would take turns on who got blamed because we knew they would really get it.

lifesucksdie · Post by **lifesucksdie** » Sat Jan 20, 2007 10:54 am

My parents beat the man into me!!1 But no here's some knowledge. If your parents beat you they have to do the right amount. Too much and you grow up to be a bastard. Too little and you're a bitch.

Sniper_Zegai · Post by **Sniper_Zegai** » Sun Jan 21, 2007 8:34 am

I think the main reason spanking has become illegal over here is because parents dont know when to stop. For 10 poeple that turn out ok there probably another 100 who are screwed up. Its a shame really.

Night · Post by **Night** » Sun Jan 21, 2007 9:03 am

Is it really illegal over here? As far as I was aware it was still ok as long as it was "reasonable chastisement" and didn't leave a mark. And that law only applies to England and Wales. Scotland has no equivalent law (although they are discussing it) and I think Northern Ireland's attempts to pass one collapsed.