Suikoden jokes

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Wolkendrache
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Suikoden jokes

Postby Wolkendrache » Tue Sep 02, 2014 2:36 pm

Hey guys!
Actually this began in the „Suckoden“ thread, but let’s continue it here. What I’m asking you to do is, tell your favorite joke(s) in suikoden-ized form, so just replace the persons with suitable Suikoden characters for some easy fun!

Let me begin with a story about the missing sheep …
One day, Hoi was walking through Kobold forest in search of treasures, but he only found opened and empty treasure chests, so he decided to go back to Kobold village to take a break. On his way back, not far from the village, he stumbled on an unopened chest. The fact that this chest was incredibly huge left Hoi even more astonished. He quickly picked the lock and lifted the lid. There was a necklace hanging at the bottom side of the lid, so he bent over the edge of the chest and took the necklace. Suddenly he got a fright when he realized that the chest had no bottom; there was only a dark hole. After recovering from his shock, he thought to himself: “Maybe there is gold down there, but I can’t just jump in as long as I don’t know how deep that hole is.” He took a stone as big as his fist and threw it into the chest, but there was no sound coming back out of it. “Maybe this stone was too small” he said. He found a big stone which he could just manage to lift and pushed it into the chest. Still no sound. “I need a frickin’ rock! And someone able to carry it…”
He went to the inn of Kobold village and found Gantetsu there. “Hey, baldy monk, would you help a good friend? You could become a rich baldy monk” Hoi whispered in his ear. “Gantetsu doesn’t need to be rich, I’m a strong monk!” he replied. Hoi pondered for a while, and then he said “The thing is, there is a rock that nobody could ever move, and I was wondering if the strongest person I know can move it.” Gantetsu instantly felt challenged and shouted “Take me to it!”
The two entered the forest and halfway between the entry and the chest Hoi coincidently spotted a rock as tall as Gantetsu. “There it is!” he cried, “you have to take it and throw it into a hole nearby, and your fame will skyrocket!” Gantetsu lifted the rock and followed Hoi to the chest. The rock was much too heavy for poor Gantetsu, but due to his willpower he managed to push the rock into the chest before he collapsed out of exhaustion. Hoi didn’t care about the monk; he immediately hung his head into the chest and hoped to finally hear a sound. However, the only thing he could hear was the bleating of a sheep which turned louder and louder. “There’s a sheep coming out!” he thought. Suddenly a sheep came jumping into the chest from behind Hoi’s back. Hoi got a fright, because he was expecting the sheep coming from the other direction. He was confused.
Shortly thereafter Yuzu showed up and shouted at Hoi, “You thief! You stole my sheep! Confess!!!” Hoi, desperately trying to defend himself, said “No… listen… there was a sheep jumping into that chest over there on its own, I swear!” Yuzu cried “Liar! I tied it to a rock, so you must have stolen it!”

I hope you liked that one ;-)
And I hope to I can read your suikoden-ized jokes soon (as for me, I will add more once in a while). It doesn’t matter how long or short these are, it doesn’t even matter how funny, they only have to be Suikoden!
"Within the four seas, all men are brothers" Shuihu Zhuan

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veriaqa
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Re: Suikoden jokes

Postby veriaqa » Tue Sep 02, 2014 10:19 pm

Alot of Chuck Norris joke can be substitute with Georg Prime.

My favourites :

Georg Prime once held the Rune of Punishment. Every time he cast a spell, the Rune took damage.
Georg Prime wears the Corruption Shell and the Saint's Cloak at the same time
I've came with an army who loves death like Yours loves live.

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sticky-runes
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Re: Suikoden jokes

Postby sticky-runes » Wed Sep 03, 2014 4:43 am

One morning at the white Deer Inn, young Pete comes downstairs and sits at the table waiting for his breakfast. Hilda enters the kitchen and says "You're not getting any breakfast until you've done all your chores. I need you to feed the pigs, milk the cow and gather some eggs from the chicken coop." "Do I have to?" says Pete. "Yes" replies Hilda, "Your father's off investigating those weird ruins and I have to tend to our guests."
Pete walks off in a huff to commence his chores. First he goes to feed the pigs, and he's so annoyed about not having breakfast that he kicks one of the pigs. Then he goes to milk the cow and, still in a foul mood, he kicks the cow. Then he goes to gather some eggs and kicks one of the chickens.
After finishing his chores, Pete sits eagerly at the table, and Hilda makes him a bowl of cereal without any milk. Pete says "Hey, where's my milk? I did all those chores you told me to do." "Yes" says Hilda, "And I saw you kicking the cow, so you're not getting any milk for a whole month. I also saw you kick the pig, so that's no more bacon for a whole month. And I saw you kick the chicken, so no eggs for a whole month."
Pete sits in a strop, crunching on his dry cereal.
Alex walks into the kitchen, an irritable look on his face. "I'm never gonna get into those damn ruins if I can't translate this Sindarin text." he says. The cat walks up to Alex and starts mewing cheerfully. Alex is so frustrated that he kicks the cat.
Hilda regards Alex with a cold look on her face, and Pete look up at his mother and says "Are you gonna tell him, or shall I?" (...........No more pussy for a whole month!)

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BrucePrintscreen
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Re: Suikoden jokes

Postby BrucePrintscreen » Thu Sep 04, 2014 7:11 pm

Your Mom is so ugly, she had to kidnap Kraze to force him to have sex with her.
Your Mom is so weak, even at level 60 she could not recruit Lorelai.
Your Mom is so cheap, she'd sleep with anyone who can make 10 potch against her at chinchorin.
Your Mom is so dirty, Milich collects his flesh eating spores out of her underwears.
Your Mom is so ugly, Luca orders villagers to act like her before he kills them
Your Mom is so fat, Ronnie Bell called her 'big woman'.
Your Mom is so greasy, if you rub her face on a plate it makes a Kobold Pie
Your Mom is so old, she was there when the first Sindarin was born.
And finally, your Dad is such a bad sex, when he fucked your Mom she though he had a Falcon Rune.

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Winterswhite
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Re: Suikoden jokes

Postby Winterswhite » Thu Sep 04, 2014 10:00 pm

^ Those made me laugh so hard, I hate to admit it but Yo momma jokes make me laugh more than any other jokes there are. I'll throw in some more.

Yo momma so ugly, even Luca was afraid of her.
Yo momma so fat, not even the power of the shrike rune could lift her up.
Yo momma so old, Suikoden IV brought back memories.
Yo momma so fat, she rated every dish a 10 in a cook off.
Yo momma so dumb, she makes Viki look like Einstein.
Yo momma so ugly, she's the reason why Leknaat is blind.
Yo momma so old, she sat next to Jeane in kindergarten.
Yo momma so dumb, when you take her to a tutor, her skill level goes down.
Yo momma so ugly, she's the reason why Stallion wants to be the fastest thing alive.
Yo momma so poor, Rikimaru pays her bills.
Yo momma so fat and stupid, she tried to eat Apple
Yo momma so fat, she has her own spot on Templeton's map.

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Re: Suikoden jokes

Postby Antimatzist » Fri Sep 05, 2014 1:41 am

How many characters do you need to change a light bulb? - 108, but your best friend dies in the process.

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sticky-runes
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Re: Suikoden jokes

Postby sticky-runes » Fri Sep 05, 2014 4:20 am

Picture this moving scene:
Lady Milia and two fellow female dragon knights are flying high above the landscape of the newly formed Toran Republic upon the backs of their dragons. They circle the towers of Moravia, swoop over the gardens of Scarleticia and finally come to settle on the rooftops of Antei. One of the dragon knights says "I had almost forgotten how it feels to soar on the wind and see the earth so far beneath you". "I know what you mean" says Milia "There is a freedom to flying that the people of this land never get to experience. Up there, there are no politics or governments or borders... Just us and the endless expanse of the heavens." The third dragon knight says "I dread to think how we would be living if our dragons were still fast asleep by that evil sorcery. Imagine how vulnerable we'd be..." The three dragon knights sit quietly on their mounts for a few moments when a window nearby pops open and Kimberly leans out and says "Hey ladies. Feels good to have a lot of power between your legs, doesn't it. Oh, and flying on dragons is fun too, I guess."

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sticky-runes
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Re: Suikoden jokes

Postby sticky-runes » Fri Sep 05, 2014 5:40 am

Here are some "your mom" jokes:

Your mom's so ugly she broke the Blinking Mirror by looking at it, and we all had to walk home.
Your mom's such a slut she makes Rina look like a nun.
Your mom's so old she makes Hellion look like Jeane.
Your mom's so ugly that Morgan wishes he was even more blind.
Your mom's so old, she makes Genoh feel like a hatchling.
Your mom's so ugly, Gavaya said he'd rather shag Alhazred than your mom.
Your mom's so ugly that when Ivanov was commissioned to paint her portrait, he just got Kuromimi to take a dump on a canvas and puke on it. It was so lifelike that Ivanov was accused of beheading your mom.
Your mom's so fat and ugly that when she was planning to cruise the Island Nations, they re-legalized rune cannons.

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BrucePrintscreen
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Re: Suikoden jokes

Postby BrucePrintscreen » Fri Sep 05, 2014 8:59 pm

Your mom's so stupid she thought Georg Prime was a Transformer.
Your mom's so slow it took her half a century to complete Suikoden IV.
Your mom's so old Kamandol called her an old fart.
Your mom's so poor the Wingers created a fourth district in Two Rivers just for her.
Your mom's so stupid she thought the hero of Suikoden II was Hoi.
Your mom's so stupid she thought the villain of Suikoden II was LeChuck.
Your mom's so fat even Bonaparte cannot eat her.
Your mom's so disgusting one of her farts is enough to blow away Sasarai's unit from the battlefield.

How many Stars of Destiny does it take to change a lightbulb? Gather 108 and the lightbulb will be resurected.

How many True Runes does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one but all the other lightbulbs in your house will explode.

How many of Viktor's mercenaries does it take to change a lightbulb? Two underaged and a kobold.

Wolkendrache
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Re: Suikoden jokes

Postby Wolkendrache » Sat Sep 06, 2014 4:37 am

When Alex came back from his journey to Falena to explore Sindar ruins, he met Viktor at Leona’s bar.
Viktor: “Hey Alex, did you enjoy your stay? I heard Falena has beautiful chicks.”
Alex: “True, and I’m amazed at how intelligent they are.”
Viktor: “What do you mean?”
Alex: “I met a woman in a bar there. She took a seat next to me. Unfortunately I couldn’t speak her language, so she put forth a pen and a piece of paper. She drew two glasses of wine on it. That means she understood at once that I was going to invite her to a glass of wine.”
Viktor: “Excellent. Go on.”
Alex: “I took pen and paper from her and drew two plates with knife, fork and spoon each. Guess what, she immediately knew that I wanted to have dinner with her.”
Viktor: “You dirty charmer. And then?”
Alex: “After dinner, she took pen and paper again and began to draw. She drew a stick figure with boobs and long hair, definitely symbolizing a woman. Then she drew another stick figure with a straight long penis, definitely symbolizing a man. Furthermore she drew a bed between them. Isn’t that incredible? How did she know I was running an inn with my wife?”
"Within the four seas, all men are brothers" Shuihu Zhuan

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sticky-runes
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Re: Suikoden jokes

Postby sticky-runes » Sat Sep 06, 2014 5:33 am

Here are some medical jokes:

Race for the Baby
Three men – A Zexen soldier, a Kobold from the Toran Republic, and a farmer from Chisha Village – are all waiting anxiously outside Dr. Tuta's surgery while their wives are giving birth. After a while, the nurse Mio steps into the waiting room and says “Congratulations, gentlemen. You are all the fathers of healthy baby boys.”
The three men congratulate one another with handshakes and pats on the back, and then Mio says “However, there has been a slight mix up with the babies and we need each of you to come into the ward and identify your sons.”
So the three men walk into the baby ward, and the man from Zexen walks straight up to the baby covered with fur with floppy little ears and puppy like features. He nods and says “This is my son.”
The kobold says to the Zexen “Arf! I think you'll find that's my son.”
Then the Zexen takes the kobold aside and says “I see where you're coming from, pal, but you see – one of those babies is a Grassie, and I'm not taking any chances.”

A Little Problem
A crewman on board the large ship of Obel is sitting in the medical ward. In walks pretty young nurse Carrie with her sweet smile. “Good morning, sir” she says “How can I help you?”
The crewman says nervously “Um, actually, I was hoping to see Dr. Yu about my problem...”
Carrie says “I'm afraid Dr. Yu is on important business for the king right now and has left me in charge of the surgery in his stead. But let me assure you, sir, that Dr. Yu has trained me very well. I may look young and naïve, but I have seen all kinds of illnesses and injuries that would make even the most fearsome pirate faint, so you have absolutely nothing to worry about.”
The crewman, feeling reassured, pulls down his trousers.
And Carrie immediately bursts into hysterical laughter. She can't help herself. It is the smallest penis she has ever seen. She has helped deliver babies that were more well endowed.
The poor crewman pulls his trousers back up, his face absolutely red with embarrassment. Carrie wipes the tears from her face and manages to compose herself. “I'm terribly sorry, sir” she says “That was very unprofessional of me, it has never happened before, and I promise it will never happen again. Now then, what seems to be the problem?”
The crewman replies “It's swollen.”
Carrie runs out of the ward.

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bluemask
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Re: Suikoden jokes

Postby bluemask » Sat Sep 06, 2014 8:16 am

You guys are so creative. Love all of them XD.

-The Leg-
One day, a pig in Yuzu's farm broke a leg
Riou asked Hai Yo what's on the menu and says "Porkchops"
The following day, a chicken broke a leg
Riou asked Hai Yo what's on the menu and says "Chicken Feet"
Unfortunately by the third day, L.C.Chan broke a leg
Riou ate elsewhere

-Body-
Nina: Miss Jeane! Miss Jeane! Will I become well-endowed if I become a mage just like you?
Jeane: Tee hee. Interesting question but no, you'll only get a body like mine if you study hard and reach 99999999999999 MGC.
Nina: But that's too difficult! I hate studying.
Jeane: If you're desperate enough though, you can read these books to increase your LUCK. Maybe that will work.
Nina: NEVERMIND!

-Dancer-
Mina angrily scolds her student Karen when she fails to follow a certain dance step
Mina: You runt! How many times do I have to tell you it's like this: One and Two, and One and Two.
Karen: Yes yes, I understand. But will I get it if all your dance steps only consists of SPINNING!?? I'm going to Cuzcuz!!

-True Rune (spoilers)-
Hikusaak: Now to complete my creation... Sugar, Spice and everything nice!
*Poof*
Sasarai: Hello Daddy!
Luc: Uhhh... Yo. (farts)
Hikusaak: Hahahahaha! That's the spirit!! With that, I'm bestowing you the True Wind Rune!!!
Luc: Yay!!!
Sasarai: .......

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Pyriel
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Re: Suikoden jokes

Postby Pyriel » Sat Sep 06, 2014 9:37 am

This thread is a full team unite called "Schlock".






It doesn't have an animation, everything just freezes, and a possibly familiar voice says, "what's the deal with random encounters?" followed by a rimshot.






It causes no damage, but inflicts poison on all enemies and allies. The entire party becomes unfriendly, all buffs are removed (even if they're granted by equipment), and all enemies are berserked.






After one more round, the Apollo's Sandman or a long bow-hook (chosen randomly each round) begins to drag members of the hero's party from battle.






When only one member of the party remains, they are immediately killed by a shower of bottles, tomatoes, and assorted rubbish.

Wolkendrache
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Re: Suikoden jokes

Postby Wolkendrache » Sat Sep 06, 2014 10:32 am

Not quite, it's simpler. It just inflicts berserked state on Grouchy Smurf only, so no negative effects unless Grouchy Smurf is an enemy instead of a party member.

Hai Yo serves a plate of tomato miso soup to Mazus, who saw that the chef’s thumb was inside the soup.
Mazus: “May I ask what your thumb is doing in my soup?”
Hai Yo: “It seems I have an inflammation in my thumb. Dr. Huan told me to keep it warm, so it will heal faster.”
Mazus: “Bastard, you better put it in your f###ing asshole!”
Hai Yo: “Well, actually I had it there until I had to deal with your order, sir.”
"Within the four seas, all men are brothers" Shuihu Zhuan

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BrucePrintscreen
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Re: Suikoden jokes

Postby BrucePrintscreen » Sat Sep 06, 2014 2:38 pm

Zamza decided to visit the Toran Republic. Once reaching the border post, Varkas takes him along to Gregminster. On their way, they pass by Moravia Castle.
Zamza -"Oh what's that? What's that?"
Varkas -"This is Moravia Castle"
Zamza -"How long did it take to be built?"
Varkas -"I don't know, a few years I guess"
Zamza -"Pah! In Dunan, we would build this within months!"
A while later, they pass by Scarleticia Castle
Zamza -"And what's that?"
Varkas -"It's Scarleticia Castle"
Zamza -"And how long did it take to be built?"
Varkas -"A year or so, I guess"
Zamza -"Aha, in Dunan we would be able to build that in a week!"
A while later, they pass by the Fortress of Garan
Zamza -"What's that?"
Varkas -"I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."


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