I wrote a long (LONG) fanfic a while back about Suikoden

[TMan]

Run down- Rune of Beginning activates in Badlands between Tinto, Grasslands, and Dunan. Three countries race to understand/retrieve/use its power. Bla bla bla, ends up in the right hand of our hero. Hero restores balance etc.

Think I made it about a quarter way through and the thing was something on the order of 60 pages. I showed it to one person and they never read, so now it sits, collecting cyber dust on my hard drive.

I have long been thinking about doing a complete rewrite. Just wondering what you all thought about that rough plot synopsis?

[Lemmy Claypool]

I'd be intrigued enough to give it a read.

[sticky-runes]

depends. What characters are in it?

[TMan]

None of the main character were returners. That's bad right?

[sticky-runes]

if you've got it based around major characters who got plenty of coverage in the games, I'd probably give it a miss, but if you had some of the lesser characters standing out and getting involved, then i might check it out.

[TMan]

Noted! Useful tip for the rewrite! Thanks

[Nikisaur]

My best advice is if you want to do it, do it. It sounds lame but there's no way you'll get through it if you don't. Also, publish it somewhere in little bits, the feedback will keep you going if you get a bit tired of it >.<

Give it a go. I'll definitely read it over.

[TMan]

Well, this is my rewrite of Chapter 1. I changed it considerably, moving the point of view from Talid to Varo. I hope you can tolerate my mediocrity!
____________________________________________________________

General Varo was among the first to be dressed, proudly wearing his standard-issue Dunan armor as he stepped through the flaps of his tent and out onto the lime-colored grass. Against the charcoal shades of his boots, the parting grass appeared unnaturally vibrant. The stark contrast of colors lent the general a certain grandness, as if the world took care to highlight this single occupant of its soil.

On this cloudless day, bits of sunlight bounced against the places on his armor where time had worn through the paint. True to tradition, Varo had obeyed an almost forgotten rule that an officer’s armor should never be replaced and that cosmetic repairs should never be made. In it’s time, the rule had done well to remind the soldiers serving beneath him that an officer of the Dunan Army both directed and participated in battles.

Not that the clarification was needed with Varo. The man had won himself immeasurable fame and admiration for his successes in the Pirate Wars, whose concluding battle had earned the general a terrible scar that ran the distance of his face from brow to chin. Though he had once been considered handsome, the deep indentation and discoloring surrounding the scar had quickly removed him from the hearts of young girls throughout the nation.

A breeze brushed against the right side of his face and he instinctively brought his hand up and felt along the length of his scar, suddenly reminded of its existence.

He forced himself not to sigh and adjusted the brass clasps on his shoulders that held his Dunan Officer’s cloak in place. Once crimson, it had faded to a color somewhere between pink and gray. Unlike armor, officers were encouraged to replaced torn cloaks or bring them to the dyer’s, but Varo had not been away from duty long enough to afford such a luxury in almost three years.

“Good morning, sir!” the youthful voice of his newest captain, Talid, sounded behind him and with it came the slight metallic jingle of armor shuffling as the young man approached.

Varo turned to face him and nodded at his arrival. “You look well.” Though young, Talid had a wide frame and a notoriously boyish face. Lightly freckled and quick to smile, Talid kept his auburn hair shorter than the current fashions recommended. His shoulders, already well-built enough to intimidate most soldiers, were magnified by the traditional shoulder plates that the army had adapted during the Harmonian skirmishes.

Talid's lips parted and revealed a shining set of ordered teeth. “Of course, sir. Another beautiful day.” He gave his head a quick upward motion, reminding his superior of the cloudless sky and mild temperature that had greeted them each day since their deployment to the area a fortnight before.

Behind him, a thousand white tents began to move as soldiers dressed and readied themselves for mandatory battle-formation.

Varo scowled.

“Still expecting the weather to change?” Talid asked, feigning innocence.

“The weather will change, Captain.”

Varo turned his gaze away from Talid and back across the expanse of open field to the south. Near the horizon, vaguely humanoid shapes swarmed out of white tents and huddled around gray-blue banners that the Tinto Republic had adopted following the power shift a hundred years before.

Varo bristled as the Tinto trumpets blew dissonant notes across the field, cueing the soldiers into battle formation. They were better soldiers, by all accounts, than the Dunan Volunteer Armies. A Tintoan soldier was chosen at an early age and placed into a life that emphasized and rewarded the skills of war.

Behind him, a series of high-pitched tones pierced the air, and the sound of a thousand tent-flaps being opened soon followed them. Varo turned his neck again to meet the sounds as Captain Talid gave a formal bow before his departure. “General,” he said, turning on his heel and heading towards the Bear Banner, the most prestigious in the Army.

Named after the famed, almost mythical, mercenary-general Viktor, the Bear Banner was said to have been the initial rallying symbol in Dunan's dramatic and violent shift from Confederacy.

Soldiers now moved on both sides of the green expanse, flattening and tearing at the fresh grass beneath them. The mess beneath each banner quickly began to change into order lines three rows thick. The men faced south, staring at the growing lines of Tintoans before them.

On the first day, Varo had noticed a lot of nervous faces in his charge. He rode his aging war horse at a trot up and down the lines when they were formed. Most of the soldiers shuffled nervously, some biting their lips and clenching their hands as they stared across the field at what was considered the best trained force of soldiers in the known world.

At that time, every soldier believed that battle was inevitable.

Today, though, instead of lip-biting, Varo saw yawning. Sleepy soldiers stood lazily around their banners, droopy-eyed and waiting for permission to be dismissed.

This had become their morning ritual. Varo now watched, as he did each morning since their arrival, as Captain Tald tapped the first whistler after giving the lines a quick inspection. Two sharp notes blew signaling that the line was formed and they should prepare to march to battle.

The yawning continued.

Talid turned and walked back over to Varo, who had not moved his position even an inch throughout the process.

“Sir,” the captain said, making his approach, “shall we?” He smiled and gestured across the field to the Tinto side.

Varo nodded and gave a short whistle. An assistant came soon after, leading along an old gray horse behind him. “Another easy mission for you, Flik,” Varo said to the horse once it was close, “Just a quick walk.”

Flik gave a short whinny and snort at his masters words, then turned his body to allow the mount.

Once up, Varo looked down at Talid, who was casually staring off into the field, watching the General on the other side mount his own horse.

“Captain,” Varo said, his voice gruff “ Your hand.”

Talid turned at the words and blushed as he recognized their meaning. His right hand quickly flew up to his left hip and grabbed the hilt of his sword. It was considered a terrible sign of weakness to appear unready for battle during a field meeting.

Satisfied by his Captain's new feigned vigilance, Varo dug his heels lightly into Flik and got him moving at a pace slow enough for Talid to keep up. Their first few walks, Talid had been full of questions. He had never seen a battle, and faced with the possibility of one, the young captain had shown himself as brave as any man had ever been going in, and the curiosity shown was enough to impress the old general. Questions before battle always led to better preparation, a lesson that often saved many lives.

When they reached the center of the field, Tinto’s General Layn was already present, and his assistant, the young red-headed Captain Kaid, stood to his right holding the Tintoan General’s banner, a red pick-axe whose flat edge had been sharpened into a blade, set over an off-white flag.

Layn was considerably younger than Varo, and his face was noticeably lacking scars or trauma. He had closely cut black hair with barely enough volume to cover his scalp. Pointed eye brows fanned out away from his nose and lent to his gray eyes an undeserved appearance of menace. His armor, iron plate mail, was colored a brilliant white and decorated with silver figures of dragons and mountains. A purple skirt hung beneath the rim of his cuirass,the silky fabric almost swimming in the air as he moved.

For his mount he rode a brown war-horse that had obviously been bred in Zexen. Muscles bulged from the animal’s legs and torso in a way that Varo had never seen on Flik- even in his prime. The horse had also been decorated with various dangling adornments which bore marks that Varo decided must denote their significance. Iron plating was latched around the neck and face of the animal with leather straps that disappeared inside its black mane.

The four soldiers stood for a moment in silence as the two generals each waited for the other to speak. Around them, the grass shuddered as the valley wind made another pass across the field. On the edges of the valley, gray mountains launched themselves up in defiance of the horizon. As a background to this scene, they appeared as corpses of old men painted onto the walls of a lively party.

“General Varo,” Layn said, his voice interrupting the silence, “my orders have not changed.”
“Nor have mine,” Varo replied, attempting to change his intonation into something softer, the way he imagined civilians spoke.

There was a brief pause as Layn appeared to be choosing his words. “Then shall we have lunch together again today?” Like all Tintoan nobility, Layn spoke the common language with an accent that rang sharply on the words emphasized within a sentence.

“Very well,” Varo said, bowing slightly on his horse. Layn returned the gesture and Varo tugged at the reins and turned around. Talid followed closely.

When Varo felt comfortable that they were out of hearing range from the other general, he looked down at his captain. “He’s lying.”

Talid, his hand still stuck to the hilt of his sword, shot him a puzzled look. “How can you be sure?”

“He hesitated. This is our fifteenth meeting. He has not hesitated before today.” Varo suddenly became aware that his hand had returned to his face, his index finger gently running the length of his scar.

“So you think they know about the Rune?”

“I’m certain they do.” He forced his hand away from his face and grabbed the reins again.

Talid opened his mouth, but paused for a moment, finishing his thoughts before his voice sounded. “You don’t think they know where it is, do you?”

Varo shook his head. “If they did, they would have been looking for it since the news arrived. I don’t think they know any more than we do.”

“What do we know?” This time Talid seemed to speak before thinking.

Varo felt his jaw clench. “We find it first."

[TMan]

Edited, revised, and updated. I think it's getting better.

I was reading through my original draft today. It has some of the worst writing I think I have read.

"Talid's stomach sank. His wish for a world away from current events had fallen away into a world of pessimism disguised in smiles. He tried to focus on his food, which was a strange yellow cream with chunks of cabbage and some kind of poultry mixed together. He pushed his spoon through it and let it fall off his spoon, observing the texture of the food with a misleading look of intensity. And then he suddenly was struck by something strange. "

I might as well call this story "Exposition Explaining Character's Feelings Story"

yikes.

[radynaraya]

wow. i'm curious what will happen next. You've got some talent to writing something like this. you detailed everything to make it clearer to reader. I love your wrinting. So will you continue this?

[TMan]

Are you real?