Gremio/Camille A Fanfic

[UberPendragon]

Hey guys, I know that the suikoden community is dying, and some would already call it dead, but I still love suikoden and I know some of you out there are still checking these forums too. So I've started a new fanfic for those looking to read a good story and feel some nostalgia for suikoden. Some of you may remember me, I've been a member here for a very long time, as well as at suikox. I was very active at Harmonia-Online(rip) for those of you who remember that site and I got my start in the suikoden community posting on the gamefaq forums over 8 years ago. Hope you all enjoy the fic, feel free to leave feedback.

(http://uberpendragon.blogspot.com/)

[tovath]

Glad someone else here is writing fanfic. I am not an expert critiquer but I will do my best.

You are very good with dialogue. everyone seems to have their own voice.

You are not as good with Description though. It comes off as overdone and awkward.

So what is going to happen next in your story?

[UberPendragon]

No better way to tell you than to show you, Chapter 2 is up now. Hope the descriptions are a bit better, the first fight scene was fun to write. Again, feedback greatly appreciated, this is my first fanfic. I've written in a lot of other formats but never so much with established characters in established universes. Hope you enjoy!

(http://uberpendragon.blogspot.com/)

[tovath]

Below are some comments on specific parts of the story. Overall you did good job on the chapter, but you keep lapsing into present tense. Using present tense has a tendency to throw the reader out of the story, which is the last thing you want.

He’s a bounty, she has a job to do and no where in the job description does it say sleep with the mark.

This part is funny, good work.

landing in CAMILLE’s arm left leg.

This part is confusing, was it her arm or her leg that was hit.

Instead he heard the bow string snap as CAMILLE’s spear sliced through it and then through the archer’s neck

How did she manage to do that? If she was attacking from the side then the bow string would not be in a direct line with the archer's neck.

[UberPendragon]

Thanks for the input, I fixed the "arm left leg" typo.. I'm going to read back through and double check my tenses and fix them where necessary. As for the logistics of the attack on the archer, I imagined he had the bow raised up to eye level to clearly target Gremio and the attack intentionally came from the right side to disable the bow first so that it didn't just fire the arrow into the back of Gremio's noggin after the archer died.

(Edit 12/19/10 16:59)
I read back through and fixed the tenses in chapter 2, what a rookie mistake...it's like writing in fanfic made me forget how to write... I'll check the first chapter later for this error, again I appreciate the feedback. Do you have a fanfic? It would be cool to read someone else's. I've read a couple of the ones on Icy Brian's old page.

[tovath]

Yes, I am working on a Suikoden 3/ Final Fantasy 6 crossover. It can be found on Fanfiction.net or here on this forum, as a matter of fact I am going to put up chapter 2 , just a second... All done. Anyway I would like to see what you think of it.